Journal entry – 12 November 2022

Consistently creating quality presence and conversation will not always occur. Sometimes we flounder into insecurity and miss the deep engagement.

It is okay.

We do our best, and we reflect and learn from each attempt.

We love us. We love it all.

The uncertain, unknowing moments are bound to happen, and by trustingly accepting them we can more effectively clear a course forth and/or peacefully wait them out.

We have what it takes.

We are drawing and pouring Heaven forth; the magnificence leaks tears and beacons us onward in our gambits of creation.

We are grateful to exist. We love us.

~~~

This was a note to myself last night, after a day sharing time with one of my dearest friends. I had been hoping to create a meaningful conversation with him, to deepen our bond and my understanding of what he desires, seeing if there was a way I could help his flourishing (I have realized that my closest relationships would be the ones I would cherish most in being useful for). I was thwarted, relearning that sometimes the people we are closest with are also the ones we feel most insecure of judgement from. I shirked internally and reverted to the most useless form of help – offering advice… and avoided digging into powerful conversation. I was too clouded in insecure thoughts to even include “I love you” into my farewell. It was a mess. Yet, as can be seen in my rally message to myself, The Mess is most important to experience. It is where wisdom and growth occurs. It reminded me that I can goof up and still be alive. Now with easier confidence and skill for next time. The glory of “I did it!” is sweetest after light-heartedly tripping in the mud many times before. Get messy.

Is there something in your life (or missing) that could benefit from remembering making the mess is the way to create what you yearn for – that being too scared to make the mess does nothing but stop the potential for that thing to happen?
Is there someone in your life that you wish you could connect with deeper, but have not been bravely messy enough to crack the ice – which has formed over the comfortably insecure surface bond – enough times for it to shatter and melt away in the warmth of the deeper bond?